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Note to Self m4w It's hard for me to know what to do anymore. I try to connect with people on a higher level and even tho I see from the start that in "said time" which varies from person to person, all my efforts will have meant nothing to them and they will shut themselves off from me in a blink of an eye. I still, for some reason, always try to change that outcome thinking that there is something i can do this time that will make a differance. Something that will make this person look at me and see that, I am here, but through trial and error and with loads of experiance nothing changes always the same outcome. Makes me feel like a "segmented phase" or a "ghost" that was noticed but quickly forgoten because it just wasn't that important in there eyes. If it was all random i wouldn't be so pussled about it all, but the endings or the outcomes were all identical while nothing else from each experiance was the same, all different kinds of people, meet in different towns, i had different lifestyles, and different attitudes through each, different approaches to them, different finances, basicly to put it simple i was a totally different person with each experiance, learning from one and improving everything in the next. Yet the exact same identical outcome from each one right down to the words they spoke almost like they all grew up in the same house, how is that possible, how can so many different people have the exact same selfish self-centered heartless mentality and carry around such different baggage that just ruins them alltogether and why is it that they somehow work there way into my life, almost like there feeding off my torture like its there life source. All these questions are questions that noone can answer because there is no answer to them. All are random events that have one very close strange simularity to each what are the odds of this happening to someone, slim to none, but it happened here. Why? Nobody will ever know why. Any one else out there have a strange anomoly in there life that seems preordained or meant to happen to you and you alone. I'm not speaking to any specific person in this, just writing it to get it off my mind because it's the one thing rattleing around up there that i can't explain that there is no answer to, even after getting closure from said person still doesn't explain the experiances as a whole. Because i've never physicaly harmed any of them or said anything that would mentally scar them in fact quite the opposite to both, all i ever had was good intentions and showed good intentions and always offered my hand when they were in need and gave each person my full attention and them alone during there time while none of them ever returned that level of care and focus i still pushed with all i had till the last second to try to change there mind, a simple "STAY" should have been all i said but i pushed far beyond that bleeding my mind to find something, anything that will give us a glimmer of hope, to simply hold together but everything always failed. While thats even harder for a person like me, because in every other aspect of my life i have succeeded all the things i can control i have under wrap and with little sweat. Crazy huh?